1. What is Parental Alienation?

• Parental Alienation is the creation of a singular relationship between a child and one parent, to the exclusion of the other parent. The fully alienated child is a child who does not wish to have any contact whatsoever with one parent and who expresses only negative feelings for that parent and only positive feelings for the other parent. This child has lost the range of feelings for both parents that is normal for any child.
• Alienating Parent: The parent who acts to create such a singular relationship between the child and himself.
• Target Parent: The parent who is excluded from the singular relationship.

2. Harm to the child.

• All litigation concerning children can effect their healthy growth and development negatively. The greater the acrimony and the greater the part that the children need or are asked to play in the litigation, the greater the potential for harm.
  
• It is psychologically harmful to the children to be deprived of a healthy relationship with the "other" parent.  
  
• Visitation agreements must insure that the emotional bond of the child with both parents is protected. There is substantial research that indicates that children need contact with both parents for a balanced development. (this assumes there are not serious issues such as abuse, drugs, etc. that are endangerment issues to the children)  
  
• With the exception of abuse, there are not any good reason why a child should not want to spend some time with each of his/her parents.  
  
• To have to choose between parents is itself damaging to the child, and, if the end result is the exclusion of a parent from the child's life, the injury is irreparable.  

3. Why the motivation for parental alienation?  

• There are many motivational facts that could cause a parent to want to alienate the child from the child's other parent. An alienating parent most likely has strong underlying feelings and emotions left over from earlier unresolved emotional issues which have been resuscitated and compounded by the pain of the divorce . Also, many alienating parents treat their children as possessions and believe that they are the only ones entitled to the children and thus they 'devalue' the other parent.  
  
• The individual, in attempting to ward off these powerful and intensely uncomfortable feelings, develops behavioral strategies that involve the children. One solution to the pain and anger is to sue for custody of the child and to endeavor to punish the other parent by seeking their exclusion. Quite frequently the alienating parent will make false allegations about the other parent, both to the children and to the court.  
  
• Parents may also be aware of their angry or hopeless feelings but may consciously desire to protect the child. They tell their attorneys and the court their conscious plans; however, despite the conscious desires, they may, unintentionally and unwittingly, engage in alienating behavior, driven by less conscious needs. Frequently, the unconscious or unintentional alienating behavior results in the milder forms of alienation of the child from the target parent. Nonetheless, it is important to recognize the concrete signs of alienating behavior in order to thwart the development.

4. Three (3) Types of Alienators.  

• Naive Alienators. "Tell your father (or mother) that they have more money than I do, so let him buy your soccer shoes." Most parents have moments when they are Naive alienators. These parents mean well and recognize the importance of the children having a healthy relationship with the other parent. They rarely have to return to court because of problems with visits or other issues relating to the children. Children know that there are times when their parents will argue or disagree about something but what they see and hear between their parents does not typically damage the children of the naive alienator. They trust their love and protection.

Characteristics of Naive Alienators:

• Their ability to separate in their minds the children's needs from their own.
• They recognize the importance for the children to spend time with the other parent so they can build a mutually loving relationship.
• They avoid making the other parent a target for their hurt and loss.
• Their ability to let their anger and hurt heal and not interfere with the children's relationship with their mother or father.
• Their ability to be flexible and willing to work with the other parent.
  

 

• Active Alienator. "I don't want you to tell your father (or mother) that I earned this extra money. He (She) will take it from his child support check and that will keep us from going to Disneyworld . You remember he's (she's) done this before when we wanted to go to Grandma's for Christmas." Most parents returning to court over problems with visitation are active alienators. These parents mean well and believe that the children should have a healthy relationship with the other parent. The problem they have is with controlling their frustrations, bitterness, or hurt.

Characteristics of Active Alienators:

• Lashing out at the other parent in front of the children. Their problem has more to do with loss of self-control when they are upset than with a sinister motivation.
• After calming down, active alienators realize that they were wrong. They usually try to repair any damage or hurt to the children. During the making up, such parents can be very comforting and supportive of the child's feelings.
• Like naive alienators, they are able to differentiate between their needs and those of the children by supporting the children's desire to have a relationship with the other parent.

 

• Obsessed Alienator. "I love my children. If the court can't protect them from their abusive father/mother, I will. Even though he/she's never abused the children, I know it's a matter of time. The children are frightened of their father/mother. If they don't want to see him/her, I'm not going to force them. They are old enough to make up their minds." The obsessed alienator is a parent, or sometimes a grandparent, with a cause to align the children to his or her side and together, with the children, campaign to destroy their relationship with the targeted parent. For the campaign to work, the obsessed alienator enmeshes the children's personalities and beliefs into their own. This is a process that takes time but one that the children, especially the young, are completely helpless to see and combat. It usually begins prior to the divorce being final.

Characteristics of Obsessed Alienators:

• They are obsessed with destroying the children's relationship with the target parent.
• They have succeeded in enmeshing the children's personalities and beliefs about the other parent with their own.
• The children will parrot the obsessed alienator rather than express their own feelings from personal experience with the other parent.
• The targeted parent and often the children cannot tell you the reasons for their feelings. Their beliefs sometimes becoming delusional and irrational. No one, especially the court, can convince obsessed alienators that they are wrong. Anyone who tries is the enemy.
• The court's authority does not intimidate them.
• They have an unquenchable anger because they believe that they have been victimized by the targeted parent and whatever they do to protect the children is justified.

** The above information is meant to be informative and educational.